Lucky or Just a F***ing Idiot!
Creativity. That is my life. Always has been. Art, music, film and everything in between. I pour my heart and soul into all these endeavors and inevitably that also draws critics and it's something I expect and deal with. Great critiques make you feel worthy and anything remotely negative can crush my spirit. I know I need thicker skin and most people are just trying to help and you can only get better because of it right? All true. It all comes with the creative realm. So why complain? I'm not, but I want to express, not excuse, my defensiveness in times of harsh critiques.
I am the king, the man, pound for pound the best, among men, as the "the jack of all trades and the master of none." I am not a particularly good singer or even a decent guitar player, my writing (all of it) is sloppy and grammatically incorrect on all levels. As an artist I have natural ability but very little schooling or training. So I am mediocre at best. As a matter of fact I have no college education. I took classes in college but never completed a degree. That's hard. That's one of the few regrets in my life. That's why I get touchy and sensitive when people correct me. Which, more often than not, is more than justified.
It happens all the time. Who doesn't have some sort of college degree today? I was in the infield at the Preakness last Saturday and I stopped to change a battery in my video camera. A concessions guy asked me about my camera and what I did. This guy was probably making barely minimum wage. And he asks me,"Did you go to school for this (video)?" I told him no. I never lie. I've never said I had a degree to anyone, ever. But it's not information I give up freely, until now. I digress. But at that very moment I felt ashamed I make the type of money I do when I felt this infield concession worker deserved much more than I have. I am fortunate, blessed and very, very lucky, but I always feel like at some point I am going to be exposed as a fraud. An uneducated hack. I'm not saying I havn't worked hard to get where I am but the fear of losing it all in a heartbeat is a very real for me. Simply because I feel as though everyone is smarter and more gifted than I could ever hope to be.
I've played music with some incredible musicians, made T.V. and film work with real pros, had my words read by real novelists and an Emmy award winner writer. So who the F*** could I possibly think I am? I'm a man in a mask, some (many) people know it others don't. I survive on those who actually think I know what I'm doing, when really I am just staying afloat waiting for someone to finally push me under the water.
Time is no longer on my side. Life is hard. It's hard for everyone, not just me. We all have our cross to bear. But the fear that lives within my soul should scare even the toughest S.O.B. Fraud, idiot, or just the luckiest truly unskilled person alive? Who knows? But as I do in all my creative endeavors I bare my soul and wear my heart on my sleeve and I am sure someone is gong to criticize me for it.
I am the king, the man, pound for pound the best, among men, as the "the jack of all trades and the master of none." I am not a particularly good singer or even a decent guitar player, my writing (all of it) is sloppy and grammatically incorrect on all levels. As an artist I have natural ability but very little schooling or training. So I am mediocre at best. As a matter of fact I have no college education. I took classes in college but never completed a degree. That's hard. That's one of the few regrets in my life. That's why I get touchy and sensitive when people correct me. Which, more often than not, is more than justified.
It happens all the time. Who doesn't have some sort of college degree today? I was in the infield at the Preakness last Saturday and I stopped to change a battery in my video camera. A concessions guy asked me about my camera and what I did. This guy was probably making barely minimum wage. And he asks me,"Did you go to school for this (video)?" I told him no. I never lie. I've never said I had a degree to anyone, ever. But it's not information I give up freely, until now. I digress. But at that very moment I felt ashamed I make the type of money I do when I felt this infield concession worker deserved much more than I have. I am fortunate, blessed and very, very lucky, but I always feel like at some point I am going to be exposed as a fraud. An uneducated hack. I'm not saying I havn't worked hard to get where I am but the fear of losing it all in a heartbeat is a very real for me. Simply because I feel as though everyone is smarter and more gifted than I could ever hope to be.
I've played music with some incredible musicians, made T.V. and film work with real pros, had my words read by real novelists and an Emmy award winner writer. So who the F*** could I possibly think I am? I'm a man in a mask, some (many) people know it others don't. I survive on those who actually think I know what I'm doing, when really I am just staying afloat waiting for someone to finally push me under the water.
Time is no longer on my side. Life is hard. It's hard for everyone, not just me. We all have our cross to bear. But the fear that lives within my soul should scare even the toughest S.O.B. Fraud, idiot, or just the luckiest truly unskilled person alive? Who knows? But as I do in all my creative endeavors I bare my soul and wear my heart on my sleeve and I am sure someone is gong to criticize me for it.
