Breaking Rank
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I'm getting older. We all are. But sometimes you start to feel it and for me that's not a good thing. Film making is my passion and being independent is a very freeing feeling. I spent my younger days as a rock singer and lived in L.A. for a short while trying to make my rock and roll dream come true. When I turned 21 I was living it. I didn't have a day job. I partied every night, didn't have a care in the world, other than how to pay rent, eat, etc. But other than that I was doing something about my dream and although it was a struggle I was trying the only way I knew how and giving it everything I have.
Now I DO have a "day" job, a wife, 2 beautiful daughters and I follow the rules. Making films and designing all the art and graphics for our company and films is where I have total creative control. That's where I am free to be my own boss and follow my dream of film making the only way I know how. Giving it the best that I have.
Even though I separate those two aspects of my life, two separate worlds, something happened the other day at my responsible, paying the bills and supporting my family job that made me feel young again. Realizing that my independent and free form creative soul DOES run through every fiber of both my worlds and that they are not so separate after all.
My boss calls me into her office and has a sit down chat with me. Now I've never been a "corporate" guy but I didn't rattle my cage enough to concern anyone that I wasn't part of the team and that I could be counted on. I did make it to art director so I wasn't Brando that's for sure. However on this particular day my boss had a different tone and it was one of concern to be sure although she didn't make it obvious.
In recent weeks I have been given the task and freedom to work on some solo projects that would all play into the company's "big picture" in the long term. My boss had just returned from her meeting with her boss and said that my particular publication that I am art director of was off track. The design was getting sloppy and erratic. She said that her boss felt that she was mostly to blame. That she was letting things get out of hand. She explained that she was going to be more hands on the next few months to get reign things in. "You are still doing a great job and I trust you and your skills," she said and this was a management strategy that would ultimately make me a better art director and designer as well.
Long story short. The truth is that subscribers are not renewing and management is getting nervous. Where to start? Layout and design. Who's in charge? Me. Who's doing their own thing? Me. Who's not answering to anyone the way every other subordinate is? Me. Who's not justifying their actions and who do we need to reign in? Me.
I was upset at first and then I realized after some serious thought that my indie spirit was shining through. For the first time in a long time I wasn't following the rules but trying to blaze my own trail. For the first time in a long time I felt my creative and free form soul touching everything I do and connecting every area of my life. It made me realize that person had never left me and deep down I wasn't a fraud.
OK, it wasn't quite a magnificent rebel uprising but it felt like one to me, if even for the very briefest of moments.
I'll play nice. I'll do what I have to do so that management won't be keeping an eye on me. Hey, I need my job and so does my family. Compromise and compliance isn't the Achilles heal of an artist. Only failing to recognize that it's still lies within you is. Remember, you have to expose the wizard of Oz every now and again.
Heres to you Brando!
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